Dedicated to Captain Tom.

I can’t actually believe that I am writing my fourth blog, and I have not yet written about the importance of relationships. Those who have worked with me in the past know that in any training, meeting or conversation I have, if I can get in there the importance of relationships then I will, repeatedly and loudly! It seems so obvious to say that we need other people, however another person in the right place, at the right time can literally save us. 

The training I have delivered over the years, often focuses on signs and symptoms. Whether that be indicators of safeguarding concerns or discussing how the impact of early adversity may manifest itself in a child’s behaviours. Its vital that we understand what we are looking for, and understand what we may be observing, however what we all really want to know is what to do next. We talk about the ‘So What’ a lot in education. I can see the child is struggling to manage his emotions, I may have some understanding of what has caused that, but so what…. what am I meant to do about it? And what difference will that make?

Unfortunately, we often jump to referrals. Who can I pass this problem on to, because right now I am feeling a little out of my depth? It is a natural instinct because we can’t possibly be experts in everything. As I mentioned when discussing children’s mental health, there will be instances where referrals are necessary, and we need to get specialists involved. However, is that where our job ends? The problem with making referrals is that they sometimes take ages. Even if they don’t, they may result in a one-hour session once a week, and in majority of cases the specialist intervention will be time limited. In the meantime, and once the intervention is over however, we are still here. Likewise, we search for explanations, labels or a diagnosis. We believe that once we have a label then it will ‘fix’ everything. It doesn’t. We still need to have a relationship with a child, to truly understand what that label or diagnosis means for them, and only then can we begin to offer the right support. If we don’t get the label we were expecting, but we have spent time working with the child, building a rapport and listening and observing what is working, we have lost nothing. 

If we have a child in front of us and even suspect that something is not okay, what we can’t do is nothing. Doing nothing never solved anything. There has been countless research in all the fields that I have worked in, all trying to discover that magic elixir that will definitely work. We focus so heavily on the type or content of interventions, whether it is in response to offending behaviour, children who have experienced trauma or children who are vulnerable to exploitation. The point is we already know what makes a difference. The research all backs it up. The one crucial thing that a child needs that either prevents them from harm, reduces the harm or helps them to escape and begin to recover from harm, is at least one positive relationship. One relationship with someone who genuinely cares, takes an interest and makes them feel like they are not alone. 

A recent report called “It was hard to escape”, looked at 21 cases of children who had been seriously harmed or even killed due to exploitation. The report’s aim was to look at the commonalities between what had happened to these children and use that to inform better practice going forward. I am obviously oversimplifying here, in terms of both the background to the cases and the findings of the report, but the one thing that really struck me was the power of having a positive relationship. For many of the children who survived their ordeal, there were critical moments that become a turning point for them. The point was however that someone needed to appreciate that this was a critical moment and be there. Likewise, the report reflected on the importance of these trusted relationships, and the importance of having relationships-based work. I actually think however that we sometimes over complicate the issue. 

I agree we need relationship-based interventions, but actually we just need relationships. And the problem with relationship-based interventions is that we contrive the relationship. If we have a child who is working with a Social Worker, we expect the most positive relationship for that child to be with the Social Worker, but what if it isn’t? What if they just don’t click? I have the uttermost respect for Social Workers and there are some incredible individuals out there genuinely making a difference to children’s lives every day. However even the greatest Social Worker in the world cannot possibly get on with every child they work with. Likewise, when I worked in the Youth Offending Team, sometimes you just couldn’t connect with a young person you were working with, and then someone else would come along and make it look so easy to get them to open up. The reality is we don’t all get on with everyone else, and we can’t always predict who our best connections are going to be with. 

I always mention this when doing Safeguarding training. Its all well and good having a brilliant and extensively trained Designated Safeguarding Lead, who knows exactly how to respond to a child telling them something. In reality, if the child is going to tell someone something difficult, they are going to tell the person that they feel most comfortable with. In a school, that is often the Teaching Assistant, the Lunchtime Supervisor or maybe the Caretaker. We can’t make the child feel most comfortable with the best trained person. We have to train everyone so that they are all ready to respond. This is true for every aspect of life. If we want to help our children, whatever their circumstances may be, we need them to have a positive relationship with someone. In an ideal world everyone would have that with someone at home or in their family, a parent, a foster carer, a grandparent. Sometimes though that is not enough or because of the age of the child that relationship has become more complex. Our children therefore need positive relationships inside and outside their household and as many of them as possible!

As adults we end up with a whole variety of relationships, and often we rely on these for many different things. Our childhood friendships, because they can be more simplistic, we don’t have to provide the back story because they were there. Our newer friendships, maybe developed through partners or neighbours, which are exciting because they know who you are now, and you perhaps have lots of things in common. We have our work colleagues or friends, who know a different side of us again and may share our passion for the work we do or perhaps just understand the tedium of our day to day. You get the point. We will go to different people depending on what our needs are, or on who will understand best what is going on for us in the moment. For our children they have yet to develop all these different relationships and can often just feel like the people they are ‘supposed’ to talk to just don’t get it. 

I think if we work with children in any context, we have a responsibility. The responsibility is not that we have to have a brilliant relationship with every child, or that we always have to know what to do, it is simply that we try. It may just be that because we made that effort, it is us that they feel the most comfortable with, and therefore it may be us that they can come to in in their hour of need. We can perhaps be the person who is there in that critical moment. If you talk to adults about how they felt about school, beyond the general loved it or hated it – the conversation will then inevitably turn to the teachers or staff. The ones that made our life hell, or if we’re really fortunate the ones that supported us, inspired us and maybe even saved us. Let us all try and be that person. 

So, if you know a child is struggling, reach out. Let them know you’re there if they need you. Just saying hello to them each day can show that child that you notice them. Giving a child a smile or a thumbs up can let them know you care. Telling a child that you are looking forward to seeing them tomorrow, will tell them that they are in your thoughts. It’s not mind blowing or magic, its simple and we can all do it, and maybe that’s the point. 

I think its only fitting that this week’s blog remembers a true legend that we lost this week, and he sums it up perfectly.

(Captain Tom, 2020)

#justbekind #captaintom #justasmile