As many of you will know, I do a variety of things to support schools in my constant mission to best meet the needs of our most vulnerable children. The joy of my job is that I am not constrained in one area of work, and I move between various passions of mine to try and help support schools as best as I can. I have to say though that there are some common themes that run like a thread through everything I do. It felt helpful therefore to capture these themes and share them. 

Anyone who has ever heard me train will know that if they were playing training bingo, the easiest win would be to have a square with the word ‘Relationships’ in it. If I earnt a pound for every time I said the word relationships to schools, then I would be one very rich lady! Positive relationships are, however, genuinely fundamental to everything I talk about. They are the main driver for change when we think about improving culture within a school. They are the key to better supporting children with their needs and behaviours that may feel challenging. They are the difference between an open, transparent, and therefore safer culture. And they are the key to keeping children safe. If we invest time, money, and effort into building positive relationships across all aspects of school, I truly believe that this has more impact than anything else you might consider. 

“Personal relationships are the fertile soil from which all advancement, all success, all achievement in real life grows." 

-Ben Stein

So, how do you know if you have positive relationships in your school and what can you do about it? I think that the greatest test in term of considering the adult relationships in schools, is whether people are honest when they make mistakes and/or whether they ask for help. In a school where staff feel valued and supported, they understand that this does not mean that they know everything, that they can do everything, and that they will never get anything wrong. There is a culture of team, a passion for ongoing development, and an appreciation that we are all always still learning. 

If staff feel isolated, unsupported, or scared to admit that they have made a mistake, this fosters a culture which will only ever lead to reduced confidence and less effective practice. Likewise, if staff feel unable to challenge decisions, that changes are made without consultation, and that their opinion is not important, then the likely outcome is a reluctance to embrace new ideas. This results in a ‘them and us’ mentality and so new ideas or initiatives, whether good or bad, are instinctively met with resistance. 

In terms of children, the more I can get to know the children I work with, the more I sincerely care about who they are, what they have experienced and what their lives look and feel like, the more I understand them. I am more likely to spot if something is not okay. I am more likely to see behaviours in the context of what they are communicating. I am more likely to have children who trust me. I am more likely to be able to work with that child to be happy and successful. Any time we spend building positive relationships and connections with children is time well spent. The initial impact can be happier, more regulated children. It can lead to a reduction in behaviours that are difficult to manage. It can mean improved attendance and children who want to be in school. The long term impact therefore can be children more able to regulate, more able to be successful and reach their potential. As ACE’s research demonstrates, it can even mean reduced changes of long term health problems. Positive relationship building is imperative for our children who are the most vulnerable, however it is beneficial for every single child. 

“Safety is not the absence of threat; it is the presence of connection.” 

– Gabor Mate.

We can also assume that if we are just nice to people, that this on its own will create positive relationships, or that if as a leader I make popular decisions this will always lead to me being popular. Building positive relationships needs to be more purposeful and explicit than this. Particularly as a leader, its important to think about where people are coming from and what experiences are they bringing with them, what their needs are, and how we are bringing them along on our journey. This comes back to things like having a clear vision, being clear about priorities, and recognising where we are on that journey. If we are a new leader, it is about looking forward, however we must acknowledge what has happened in the past too. Even if we are not where we want to be, it does not mean that everything that happened before today was bad and it should therefore just be dismissed. By doing that, we also dismiss everyone who was part of the past, which makes it much harder to take them forwards with us. 

When we try too hard to be liked, we can also end up making decisions that may be popular, however they are not necessarily the right decisions. When we think about leaders that we respect and admire, we are often looking for someone who makes us feel safe. We may not agree with everything that they make us do, however we trust that they know what they are doing. Thinking back to our childhoods, which parent acquires the most respect; the one who lets us do exactly as we want, or the one who provides boundaries and expectations? The first may be more popular in the moment, the second creates a sense of safety and stability. Similarly, we can mistake consultation with being irresolute. Again, if we look to successful leaders, they do not make decisions in isolation, and without the views of those that the decisions will impact upon, however they also understand when they need to be decisive. Too much consultation or negotiation can feel like a leader does not really know what they are doing and can reduce that sense of trust and safety. I might not entirely agree with your decision, however as the leader I want you to make it and if I have some understanding about the thought behind it, I will likely give it a go - I might even learn something!

“No significant learning can occur without a significant relationship.” 

– Dr James Comer

Which leads me on to my next most common theme, effective communication. Look at every serious case review or equivalent over the years, and a definite area of learning and therefore a key recommendation, will always be around improved communication. Whether this is multi-agency, with the family or within an organisation, it’s always there. Likewise, whenever I have been asked to investigate grievances or complaints, there is always learning that can be gleaned around more open and honest communication or similar. If you have disgruntled staff, parents, or children, its generally because something is happening or has happened and they do not know about it, understand it, or appreciate the reason for it. Again, even if we do not agree with something, if it has been communicated to us in a way that we can see where it has come from, then this often reduces anger, frustration, and anxiety. 

When I deliver training around difficult conversations or conflict resolution, what I am always actually delivering is effective communication training. Conflicts and complaints are often fundamentally linked to a lack of hearing, understanding and/or caring about the other person’s perspective or viewpoint. If we can take a moment to consider something from the opposing or an alternative perspective, and then communicate with this in mind, we will be less likely to encounter resistance or argument. 

The other aspect of poor communication that I respond to frequently is actually a lack of communication. This is usually unintended or unintentional, however a lack of information will often lead to difficult situations that may have been avoidable. Human nature is that if we have limited information and gaps within that information, then we make up the bits we do not know. Furthermore, human nature and past experiences often mean that if we are not being told something, we assume it is because it is bad news. If you therefore infer that there are to be changes in staffing, and I know nothing other than this information, chances are that within a short amount of time people are talking about job losses, additional work, or reduced pay. The reality may be the exact opposite! 

If as leaders we feel that we do not yet have all the facts, or decisions have not yet been made, we can tend to wait to communicate until things are certain. However, this can sometimes cause unrest and anxiety, which may be unnecessary or is simply worse because of the anticipation. Particularly in schools, where we often have well established and sophisticated grape vines(!), a little bit of information can be dangerous. The mutiny is already prepared for battle before we have even shared what is happening, and this means that the rebellion may still happen even if what is being proposed isn’t even that bad! It feels counterintuitive, however it is often better to share what is being considered and why decisions cannot be made yet, rather than pretending there is nothing being considered. As a member of staff, I am more likely to feel part of the final decision and that something is being done with me, rather than feeling that I am irrelevant and that something is being done to me. This in turn creates a more trusting environment and culture. 

- Bill Marklein.

How do you know if you communicate effectively? In my experience this results in two-way communication, where people feel able to ask for support, raise concerns and there is a sense of togetherness that is over and above issues that may arise. There is a reduction in those gossipy grape vines, as there is no value in them. If I can find out what is going on by just asking, why would I need to rely on unverified sources of information? There isn’t a sense of ‘them and us’, more a sense of ‘us against the world’ – a feeling that we can accomplish anything as long as we do it together. The two things must go hand-in-hand though, effective communication is much easier if we have a foundation of positive relationships, and we develop positive relationships by consistently communicating in an open and honest manner. If we try to do either superficially, then we will not succeed. 

So, what difference do positive relationships and effective communication make? Well for me its all about trust, feeling connection and creating a sense of belonging. If someone is interested in building a relationship with me, then these actions evidence that I am valued and that I matter. There is an investment in me, thus I am more likely to invest back. If I am communicated with in an open, honest, and transparent way, then these actions evidence that I am part of the team, my feelings and opinions are relevant, and I truly belong. It doesn’t therefore matter whether I am a member of staff, a child, or a parent, I am being made to feel that I am part of something. There is no ‘them and us’ there is just a ‘we’. Creating a feeling that we can achieve, we can develop, we can even overcome obstacles and that we will do it all together is much more likely to lead to success, than people individually feeling that they have to fight their battles alone. This does not mean that you will be a school that has no issues to deal with, however it does hopefully mean that you are more likely to resolve those issues and come out the other side all the stronger for it.

“I’ll be there for you, ‘cause you’re there for me too” 

– The Rembrandts